e*trade and lindsay lohan’s reputation…

 so apparently lindsay lohan is suing e*trade.  see, e*trade has a commercial, i think.  in the commercial are some babies.  one of them is named lindsay.  this baby is apparently a crack smoking whore, alcoholic who becomes a lesbian on a whim when attention around her dies down.  this is clearly not conduct a baby should partake in.  for whatever reason lindsay has decided this baby is an insult to both her and her reputation.

why?  well, because the baby's name is lindsay.  and clearly when you hear the name lindsay you think of lindsay lohan?  why?  because she's a celebrity.  and celebrities are always known but their first name.  ya know, like successful attentions whores madonna and cher.  lindsay has made herself such a part of the culture that the mere mention of the name lindsay lights up the room and brings her likeness to everyone's mind.

personally, when i hear the name i think of a girl i used to fuck in high school, but that's besides the point.

now here's the thing.  lindsay wants ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.  she's dr. evil times 100.  half of that is punitive for the pain and suffering caused by her tripping over her own ego and the other half is compensatory to pay her for being the subject of the ad.  the ad she starred in by name alone even though she had nothing to do with the thing.

now, don't get me wrong.  i'm calling shenanigans on this, there's no way lindsay has snorted enough coke (not even $100 million worth) to think she even matters for more than 3 seconds and  there's no way a real lawyer would look at the case and say "yup, you deserve $100 million."  my bet is she took offense, called e*trade they said "hey, sorry you feel that way, want a stuffed monkey from those commercials we did 10 years ago?"  

then they made a plan to both get exposure:

lindsay sues and gets in the news because she hasn't mattered for a while.  e*trade gets their ad played on every gossip site (and worse) most news sites for free.  gratis.  millions upon millions of people who don't have a fucking thing to do with themselves but care about celebs watch the ad.  BRILLIANT!

but for the purposes of comedy, lets pretend it is a real lawsuit.  in this world lindsay's side will have made their presentation and rested.  e*trade's lawyer will get up and begin to plead his case and here it is…

"your honor, the plaintiff ms. lohan claims we have sullied her reputation.  to refute this, i present defense exhibit "a."  pictures of ms. lohan's vagina.  

*pregnant pause*

i rest my case."