so tonight they give out movie awards, i think. honestly i'm not incredibly certain but the radio has been talking about em and so has twitter. since those are my two sources of news i'm going to go ahead and assume it's tonight because i'm pretty sure it's sunday.
so there's the emmys, the grammys, and the oscars. again, i'm not sure but i think tonight is the oscars. i attempt to remember this with a handy mnemonic. "going to the movies with other people makes me grouchy because they usually talk and leave their phones on and are otherwise annoying. oscar the grouch is also always annoyed."
i said it was handy, i didn't say it held up to the standard of "my very educated mother just served us nine pizzas." then again, at least mine still works properly, the scientists told pluto to fuck off a few years ago. ya know what'd be great? if the only other celestial body in the cosmos that had life on it was pluto and they sent a ship to blow the hell out of us for taking away their standing as a planet.
onto the awards! i wouldn't put much stock into these picks as the only newish movies i've seen in the past nine months are "star trek," "big fan," a documentary about the food industry, parts of "up in the air," the first 10 minutes of "men who stare at goats," and "if you want to fuck my daughter you have to fuck me first."
(to find out the nominees, i googled "movie awards." the first thing to come up was mtv's awards. fifth on the list were the oscars. i'm going to guess the oscars are what we want.)
directing aka best director: i think we'll go ahead an give this to the chick from hurt locker. i didn't see hurt locker, but i heard it was pretty all right. also, i figure the voting folks want to save themselves the abortion of james cameron giving his speech in some made up fucking language that isn't klingon.
actress in a supporting role: the girl from up in the air is really cute, but that's not enough for an award. the title goes to mo'nique so they can say they were inclusive of fucking morons who randomly put punctuation in their names. seriously, what the fuck purpose does that apostrophe serve other than making it harder to pull up her police record?
actress in a leading role: unfortunately for precious (i heard she was pretty good), we've already given an award to a black person and that fulfilled the "look, we're not racist!" quota. complicating things more is hat we've never heard of her and will never hear from her again. unless of course there's a "precious 2: kfc fights back." this award goes to sandra bullock because even though she's a pretty horrible actress she's been in many many big money movies. also because in her movie she was nice to a black person which will make the voters feel good about themselves.
actor in a supporting role: wow, woody harrelson was in a movie? damn i almost want to give it to him, but this one comes down to really good nazi guy vs guy who unified south africa. huge balls vs feel good story. we're gonna go with huge balls because we already gave sandra bullock our feel good story award. so christoph waltz it is.
actor in a leading role: clooney got nominated? seriously? damn, i find it hard watching him in movies i liked after the abortion that was michael clayton. morgan freeman is up to. i love morgan freeman! gotta love his career he went from a chauffeur to a life long criminal to president to god and was believable in every role. unfortunately mo'nique already won which means the emmy, er oscar goes to…jeff bridges.
best picture: there are ten nominees this year. not because there were ten really great movies that all deserved consideration, but because it lets ten movies instead of five write "nominated for best picture" on their blu ray box. this will lead to idiots buying shitty movies. seriously in what year would a sappy but happy non-event of a movie like "the blind side" get a best picture nomination? i rarely watch movies and i know that's bullshit. also, two sci fi movies? i understand avatar because it was ground breaking, but district 9? wasn't that supposed to be "halo: the movie?
and if we're giving out 10 nods, where the fuck is star trek? other than an obsessive use of lens flare that movie was amazing.
of the 10, only two are really even contenders. it's avatar vs hurt locker. cameron against his ex wife (or so i've heard). my guess is this was already decided in the divorce and since the woman gets all the friends and the stuff, she gets the trophy as well. cue sentimental speech about supporting our troops and we've got ourselves an evening…
