the redhead is mini anden. she was in one of the worst movies ever "my best friend's girl" starring dane cook. dane cook stole millions upon millions of dollars from many unsuspecting people with his "comedy" which he then turned into a "movie career." then his half brother apparently stole that money from him. karma sucks, eh?
actually, i'm a dick. i dug 2 of dane cook's cd's. the first two i guess. pretty damn hilarious. entirely immature, but they served a purpose. then he did "vicious circle." i didn't laugh once. i wanted to, because i didn't want to be a dane cook hater for the sake of being one, but he wasn't funny. this made me sad.
dane cook's other problem is he looks like the douchebag everyone thinks he is. it's hard not to come off as a douche when everyone already thinks you are one. it's harder when you look like the fucking king of all douchebags.
in any case, much as that movie sucked, i'd of watched the whole damn thing if you told me the sexy ass redhead woulda been in it. as it stands i only lasted 35 minutes or so. even kate hudson couldn't keep me interested.
so how was my vacation? good. i guess. short. too short.
dropped into jameson's for the first time in almost a year on wednesday and the bartender maurice or morris or however ya spell his name made an excellent point. "the days take forever, but the years pass like nothing." kinda reminds me of something my dad used to say (hrmmm…wonder if anyone but lauren laughed at that? if you didn't you don't pay attention here)…
so i flew airtran again. why? because i fucking hate myself and feel that i should be punished for the horrible sins i commit daily. and they're dirt cheap. but mostly the first one.
my reward for flying airtran this time was showing up at the airport and having none of their computers work. what i mean by this is none of the fucking computers worked. have any of you in the past, i dunno, twenty years gone to the airport to check in and had them go through a list as if you were going to a party? I HAVE! have any of you gotten a handwritten luggage tag? I HAVE!
to steal a line form espn's bill simmons…"ladies and gentlemen…airtran!"
but what i'd really like to know is when did flying become like camp? first you check in with the counselors at orientation, followed by single file getting your shit checked for contraband (can't have candy at camp after all), and then you finally get to your gate where you're once again herded by groups onto the plane. you've gotta wait patiently until they call you or you won't get to go. once on the plane there's absolutely going to be the cool kids who think they have the right to all the space with their 3 times larger than standard "carry-on." not to mention the fact that even though everything is marked half the people won't know where to go or what to do.
(the plane boarding procedure always reminds me of george carlin's airline bit as he mocks the folks herding you on "get on the plane get on the plane" "fuck you, i'm getting IN the plane…there seems to be less wind in here." i'm surprised i'm allowed to board the damn thing as i tend to have an evil terrorist type laugh where i guffaw to myself and make eye contact with no one while i think about it.)
then you get the safety lecture, which no one pays attention to except for that one guy in the back who wants to kiss ass in case there's a test. in fact this safety lecture sucked cuz not even the guy doing the act gave a damn. he was doing it for both "business class" and the front of "fuck you in the ass with no butter class" and he was a good 37 minutes ahead of the lady giving the lecture. you'd see him hold up the seat belt then run away and show the oxygen mask. as he was showing the exits the lady was just getting to how to buckle your seat belt. it was kinda like those old asian movies where the voices were dubbed in. you'd see the action then a year later the voice would tell you what it was.
and then there's snack time! snack time is fun because you get to share a soda with 16 people in one of those little cups that somehow holds ten pounds of ice and no delicious beverage. they also gave out a lil biscuit. which i must admit was quite delicious for the 3 seconds it took me to eat it. it's as if they got a fucking letter from my mom saying i needed to be on a low sugar diet or i won't be able to sleep at night.
finally you land and taxi up to the gate at which point EVERYBODY STANDS UP. i wish i knew why this was. no one's getting off the plane for at least another 5 minutes while they turn the damn engine off and get the door open, but everyone just has to be ready to rush to the next place they have to wait.
the stewardess made a great announcement when we landed. "passengers continuing on to orlando, please remain on the plane. passengers who's destination is newport news may deplane here." really? i can get off the plane? gee, fuckin thanks for permission, bitch. just what the fuck did she think i was gonna do? stay on the plane and try to skydive as we passed my parents place?
maybe i was blowing that one out of proportion since i had a fever, was dehydrated from lack of liquid, and had just flown as if i was in the 1940s?
Ah, plane stories. That’s one topic that could get me going for hours. A couple of personal favorites:
Getting off a place (albeit a small one), having two suitcases show up on the conveyor belt, and hearing the announcement, “If anyone did not receive their luggage, they may file a claim form at the customer service booth.” Seriously, “if”? As in, the airline actually thought that there is a possibility that 30 of us were sharing those two bags?
A 15-minute flight from St. Martin to Antigua. I thought checking my bag would be nice so that I could just relax and be comfortable. 15 minutes later, my bag is missing. They insist that they took every bag off of the plane. The plane then boarded for Newark. Two days later, I get a call from Newark, informing me that my bag is there. They tell me that they’ll fly it down to me. The next day, I get a call from San Juan. My bag has shown up and I can come pick it up any time from the Continental Airlines service desk. Assuming, of course, that I’m willing to swim 300 miles each way, I suppose.
That’s just scratching the surface. My trip home for Christmas 2004 could probably fill a book.
And speaking of that trip, on the return journey, it happened to be New Year’s Eve. As the clock struck midnight, we were all standing in just the position you described. Waiting for the door to open with our necks bent awkwardly under the luggage compartment. So if you wondered if anything could be stupider than standing and waiting for the engines to stop, it’s doing that to celebrate the new year.
Oh, and since I missed it, Happy St. Patrick’s Day.
you got on a flight knowing it’d take only 15 minutes? fuck that. you’d never see my fat ass any sort of flight. you sir have balls.
did ya get to make out with any of your fellow plane mates for new years?
i was once on a flight (gee really?) and as we’re getting ready to land the captain actually said “the safest part of your flight is over…” what the fuck?
and i once drank a plane out of jack daniels. i was flying jet blue the day after the jet blue flight had to emergency land at LAX after taking off at long beach. my friend asked me to bring him a copy of the post to san diego which of course had a picture of a plane crash landing on the cover. so i drank and drank. until they would no longer serve me jack. thinking i was cut off, i was sad. until they told me i could have anything else i wanted…so i had some bailey’s and vodka.
Dane Cook came to Cobleskill before he was famous. I almost rented My best friends girl the other day but i am glad that I did not.
That now the third time you brought up what your Dad said!
Remember Danielle on the Flight we took with you to Courtneys wedding? That was very funny…